A dear friend recently gave me a book and what I will call a daily meditation on the topic of Grace. The timing could not have been better.
I have had an intense three months of work, and have been learning in the meantime what my capacity is now. It is nowhere near what I want it to be, and I struggle daily with my expectations for myself and the reality of what I have.
The irony is that I still produce really good work. I am really good at what I do, I stay on top of schedules and tasks and can be very focused and productive. There are times, however, that no matter how much I want to work hard, I just don’t have it in me. I have been deeply discontented about it. Today is one such day. I expected to wake up ready to go, full of energy and turning out work at a rapid pace. Instead, I woke up tired and sluggish and have done everything at a slower pace. Done what I needed to, sure, but that’s not really the point. The point is that I want more, and I want better from myself.
How timely then, that my daily meditation was about being content in whatever circumstance.
That’s a hard one.
I am not content. I am not anywhere near content. That meditation is no reflection on my current status. In fact, I laughed when I saw it this morning. Of course that’s what I got today.
This is a time of healing and reflection for me. A time of learning about myself and making healthy decisions and habits. A time to reflect on the Grace that got me here. And a time to allow a genuine friend’s gift to sink in.
What would it look like if I really were content with my circumstances?
I can’t answer that question yet. I have a feeling it would be pretty great. I think I am open to making the changes I need to make to find out. I think meditating today on being content will change me for the better. I think being open to learning about Grace again tomorrow will also be a good choice.
And so I continue to heal, thanks to days of Grace and a little help from my friends.