Life just kicked me into a pit, 300-style.

It’s reasonable that trauma atop trauma will not have a desirable outcome. My brother’s accident has set me back about two months in my recovery.

I don’t blame him in the least. It was not, after all, his fault. I don’t blame me. Not my fault either.

It just is.

And that is a place and an acknowledgement that I have learned is so important in trauma recovery. When you can say it just is, without assigning blame or meaning or demanding answers why, you don’t carry a burden about the event.

It just is.

Is for me right now is angering, frustrating and depressing (that pit is a not-so-subtle nod to depression). I have lost all of the motivation I had three weeks ago, getting a handle on my not-so-healthy coping mechanisms is hard again and, frankly, getting out of bed is hard again. I also have a strong potential for substance abuse (pills and liquor) right now, which I have avoided doing so far. This is the worst it’s been in my entire recovery process. Shit.

I worked with my kettlebell, did half an hour of yoga and walked for over an hour today. I worked, made healthy food choices and drank kombucha. I skipped my afternoon caffeine. I still didn’t feel better.

Sometimes you can do all of the good things and you don’t get a good outcome. Some days are just hard. Some days you have to just claw your way out of the pit that life just kicked you into. The difference this time is that I have already been through these two months, I have more tools at hand now and I know a lot more about how to fight my way back successfully.

I may not be in fighting shape yet, but thanks to a lot of hard work I have what I need to fight.