I sat at a table in a restaurant with a group of acquaintances and strangers and cried for almost an hour after someone asked about my brother. And they let me.

I found myself in the friction of perception v. reality when I realized that because I have chosen to praise God for His Grace, His faithfulness and His provision, people have not necessarily understood how horrible and painful my brother’s accident has been, both for him and for myself and my family. For me,

it is easier to praise God than it is to sit with the pain.

As I came face to face with that reality, after spending years avoiding pain, I decided that this time I wasn’t going to wait to do the hard work. So I let go of any concern I had about how I might be perceived, and I was broken, vulnerable and in a lot of pain there at the table. They gave me space to do that.

There was no picking sides or choosing paths, no either or. It was all of it. And Job 13:15 was spoken to me, which so perfectly fit where I am:

Yea though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.

The verse, the statement Job made after his life had been obliterated, doesn’t ignore the pain, it fully acknowledges it. At the same time, it acknowledges a deep faith that is fulfilled by a deeper God. More importantly, it doesn’t ignore my pain and it expresses my faith. I am so thankful for the woman who listened and responded in a way that met me where I am.

I continue to be both shattered by the pain of my circumstances and built up by the depth of God’s Grace poured out over myself and my family. And I can be both.