That whole thing about learning to balance? Not there yet.
Between work deadlines, my brother going back to the hospital, previously made commitments and a massive pile of laundry to get done before his return from the hospital, I have done very little for me. Very little progress, very little clean eating, very little exercise, drinking water, yoga, meditation, reading for pleasure…you get the idea.
I have very little stamina anymore, so as much as I was annoyed that all I could manage to get done was what had to get done, I managed to do it. All of it. Working 10-12 hours a day while being a nurse, housekeeper and friend. And while I may not have done what I wanted to do, I did not fold, did not give up and did not have a meltdown.
I did gain 5 lbs. So much carbs.
I may not be balanced, but I am at peace. If there is something I have gotten right in this last week, it’s keeping my attitude, my thoughts and my focus in a healthy place. I made have lost the physical game, but I won the mind game this week.
That was a huge thing for me. Anxiety lost this time.
No matter what has been thrown at me I have been able to sit peacefully, to not want what if? but to accept what is and work with what I have.
Critical software massively crashes in the middle of a deadline? Worked around it and repaired it when I could. Laptop hits the floor and cracks the screen? Yeah, well, it still works and I have accident insurance on it. New one is on the way. Brother goes back to the hospital? Off I go with him and stay way past my bedtime. Other brother is in his own crisis? Take it on the chin with him and be unconditionally supportive.
Then leave it all at my therapist’s office.
No panic attacks, no meltdowns, no fetal position, no quitting. Even though I was over it.
Not that I can’t do those things, not that those things aren’t part of how I respond, but they are not how I responded this time. A lot of work, a lot of learning, a lot of trying and failing and trying again got me to a place a choosing to sit peacefully with my circumstances.
Even the part where I didn’t hit my other goals. Those are next. Even if I get busy.